


Madman Need To Eat Too

by Nocturniquette



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Murdoc is weird, Poor Mac, murdoc is creepy, what the hell did I just write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19944463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturniquette/pseuds/Nocturniquette
Summary: Mac meets Murdoc at his local Wal-Mart.Cracky with a case of creepy.





	Madman Need To Eat Too

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I have no idea where this crack fic came from. 
> 
> Warnings: CRACK. And sexual suggestiveness because Murdoc is totally like that with Mac. You will never convince me otherwise. Sorry Wal-Mart people.  
> Completely weird and cracky. And I have no idea where this came from. Did I mention that already? Don’t judge too harshly lol.

Summary: Mac meets Murdoc in his local grocery store. Arch enemies have to eat too ya know?

Mac stared. He really couldn’t help it.  
Murdoc ignored him in favor of feeling up the pineapple. Gloved hands pushed gently here and prodded there and Mac tore his eyes away before he puked.   
It was intimate in a way it shouldn’t have been. It was wrong, the way Murdoc treated that fruit.  
“You are fresh, aren’t you?” Murdoc murmured to it softly. He was gentle with it as he placed it into his orange basket.   
He sounded pleased and Mac hated it on principle. Anything that made the assassin happy was wrong all the way around.  
Mac shuddered. Then glared at the madman for making him shudder in disgust.  
“What are you doing here?” the blonde demanded.  
“Isn’t it obvious Boy Scout? I’m hungry.” came the patronizing tone.  
Mac continued to stare at him uncomprehendingly. What was really going on here? Murdoc didn’t come here for food of all things. He must have tracked him there. That was the only explanation that made sense.  
Murdoc rolled his eyes. “Psychopaths have to eat too.”  
Mac blinked.  
“Did you think I survived off of roots and berries? Honestly Macgyver...” Murdoc trailed off as he picked up a carton of blueberries and started cooing at them.  
“I thought you survived off eating the flesh of innocents...” Mac muttered to himself.  
“That wasn’t very nice.” Murdoc replied absently, as he set the carton back down and picked up another one.  
“Well? Aren’t you going to grab something to eat too?”  
“No.” Mac said. “Everything in here is tainted now.” The thought of eating anything that Murdoc may have touched, even accidentally, made him nauseous.  
Murdoc executed a truly hurt expression and for a heartbeat Mac actually thought he’d hurt his feelings.  
“That hurts me right in all of my feels, Macgyver.”   
Apparently not.

Murdoc headed for the fresh produce section, Mac right on his heels. He was not about to let the crazy man out of his sight. Who knew what he might do?   
Although, at the moment, he appeared to really be grocery shopping. Strange.

“Hmm...I feel like a salad tonight? What do you think?” Murdoc asked as he fondled a head of lettuce.  
“No.” Mac’s voice sounded strangled to his own ears. This was wrong….wrong on so many levels...  
“More of a steak and potatoes kind of man then.” Murdoc concluded before suddenly turning around. Mac was literally right behind him and had to stop as well before he broke his nose on the assassin’s face.   
Those black eyes roamed over him with a creepy familiarity.  
“I can respect that.” With that, he turned away, and began to whistle that damned song. 

Mac hurried to catch up with the man as he saw the flutter of his black trenchcoat swirl around the corner.  
Only he was nowhere in sight when Mac rounded the same corner a moment later.  
What the…? He had been right there!

Mac nearly jumped out of his skin as Murdoc murmured next to his ear.  
“Do you like chocolate?”  
Mac darted away from him, willing his heartbeat to slow down.  
He simply stared at him, his eyes a little wider than normal. Where the hell had he even come from?  
The assassin was holding up two different dark chocolate bars in his hands, one Lindt and the other Ghirardhelli. Both were 70% cocoa.  
He pretended not to notice Mac’s dilemma, which wasn’t like him and was making Mac uneasy. Well, more than he already was.

“I’m a dark chocolate man myself. The feel of strong cocoa on my tongue and the slight taste of iron when it melts...yum.” Murdoc licked his lips suggestively and leered at the blonde. Mac swallowed and wondered what the hell was really going on here and why he wasn’t running away like any sane person would do.

“Well Macgyver? Which one should I pick?”  
“If I choose the wrong one are you going to shoot somebody?” Mac asked, covering his unease with snark. He was NOT helping Murdoc grocery shop. That was just...no.  
Murdoc tapped his chin with the white case of chocolate, looking thoughtful.  
“That’s not a bad idea...We can really make a game of it….”  
“Forget it.” Mac stated firmly.  
Murdoc pouted, there was no other word for it.  
Mac shuddered again. Just when he thought the man couldn't get any creepier...  
“Fine then.” Murdoc threw both chocolate bars into his basket and walked away, Mac trailing behind him.

“Wait...so you really are here to go grocery shopping?” The blonde asked some time later.  
Murdoc was offended at the surprise in Macgyver’s voice.  
“I have to eat.” The word moron was strongly implied at the end of that sentence but wasn’t said. Mac picked right up on it though, being the smart kid he was.

“….You’re really not here to hurt anyone…?” The boy sounded shocked. Like he didn’t know Murdoc did things other than kill people for a living. Hmm, maybe he didn’t?  
Murdoc shrugged. “I may come back later and cut the cashier’s throat if they take forever to bag my food.” he said nonchalantly. A can of Campbell’s Soup tumbled into the basket.   
“I won’t let you hurt anyone here,” Mac declared quietly.  
“Ever the hero Macgyver. Doesn’t it get boring?”  
Mac shook his head in the negative. “I like helping people.”  
“And what a way you do it too...” The assassin muttered.   
“What’s that supposed to mean?” the blonde asked suspiciously.  
“You have such a lovely mind Macgyver...it’d be a shame if something happened to it.” Murdoc sounded truly regretful. 

Murdoc leaned in close suddenly and Mac fought the urge to turn away, knowing it would be seen as a sign of weakness.   
“I will hurt you one day, but I’ll try and keep your active imagination alive long enough to enjoy what I’m capable of.” Yeah, that wasn’t creepy. At all.  
Murdoc pulled away and Mac breathed a sigh of relief.   
“So I can’t tempt you?” Murdoc asked quietly, as he grabbed a loaf of bread. Mac noted it was Sara Lee Honey Wheat.   
“What?” Mac asked. What did he miss?  
“Away from the hero side. You using your powers for...other things...”  
There was that leer again. Mac hated the way Murdoc’s eyes slowly flicked up and down his person. 

“Stop undressing me with your eyes, you creep!” he hissed. He really didn’t like the way Murdoc looked at him.  
“Would you prefer If I did it for real?”   
Mac’s brain stuttered to a halt. WHAT…  
Blue eyes grew huge. “What!? NO!”  
“Are you sure? I promise to be...gentle….”  
“Yes, I’m sure. Now pick your damn cereal and shut up.” Oh my God. He really was helping Murdoc grocery shop. Jack was gonna kill him when he found out.  
Murdoc smirked at him and did just that.   
Quaker Instant Oatmeal went into the basket next. 

And on and on it went. Mac asking questions, Murdoc making suggestive and/or threatening remarks, followed by picking food at random.  
At last, they came to the ending of their weird little jaunt around the grocery store.

The cashier was an old woman with short grey hair and more wrinkles than a bulldog. Oh God. If she was as slow as she looked...Murdoc was gonna kill everyone here.  
Murdoc grimaced and looked around. Sadly, there wasn’t any other cash registers open. They had 12, but for some reason only three were actually working! What was the point of having so many if they weren’t going to be manned properly!? Murdoc was honestly affronted at the lack of professionalism at the Wal-Mart he was currently in. He tried not to shop here very often but he’d seen Macgyver go in and couldn’t help himself.

“Hello dears. Is this it?” Murdoc smiled, and Mac was taken aback by the fact that it wasn’t creepy looking.  
“It sure is, Mary Lou,” Murdoc said after reading her name-tag.   
Mary Lou may have looked old, but she was faster than the teenaged brat across from her. Mac let out a relieved sigh.

“Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart, doll-face. Have a pleasant evening.”  
Murdoc smiled the same smile from before and Mac barely managed to give her one as well before following him. Murdoc actually seemed pleased. Mac was just too stunned that people found Murdoc attractive to really say anything. So wrong on so many levels...

“Young love these days just seems to get weirder and weirder...” Mary Lou muttered to herself. She quickly forgot all about them as her next customers stepped up to her counter.

Outside in the parking lot, Mac lost the assassin again.  
“Not again,” he groaned.  
“Lose something Boy Scout?” came the dreaded voice behind him.  
Mac jumped and swiftly turned around. How did he keep doing that!?  
Murdoc’s smirk widened and walked toward him.

Despite the fact that he was carrying groceries in both hands, he was still intimidating.  
Mac took a step back. He knew that smile. He loathed and feared it in equal measure.

“Oh it’s alright Macgyver.”   
It really wasn’t.  
“I just wanted to thank you for your help today.”  
Mac paused. “Um...your welcome?” He sounded unsure and he was.  
Murdoc’s black eyes seemed to swallow him whole in the dark.  
“I really should thank you properly you know...” His voice teased something darker and Mac shivered as he realized that he was well and truly alone with the man.  
Uneasiness settled in Mac’s stomach like a lead weight.  
He shook his head. “No, that’s okay.” he said with false politeness.  
“Oh, but I insist.”  
“Well, I don’t.” Mac snapped. He was unaware he’d been backpedaling the entire time, trying to put some space between him and the approaching psychopath. When his back slammed into the side door of an SUV, Mac gasped.

“Well, well, well Macgyver. All alone and only me for company. What would Jack say?”  
Murdoc was right there, right in his face, and how did he close the distance so fast…? He didn’t even see him move! 

“As I said...I want to properly thank you.” With what? Mac wondered. A knife between his ribs? A gunshot to the face? Either one was likely.

Murdoc did none of those. Instead he reached into one of the grey Wal-Mart bags and pulled out a small candy bar. In the soft light from the street lamps, Mac could make out the writing on it. It was a Mr. Goodbar. Well that was ironic.

He held it out to Mac who didn’t reach for it.  
Murdoc rolled his eyes. “Don’t make this harder than it is. It’s just a candy bar. Honest.”  
Mac didn’t trust him.  
“I didn’t spit it in if that’s what you’re worried about.”  
Yeah maybe so, but that didn’t discount poison.  
Murdoc’s eyes narrowed.  
“Take the candy bar Angus. Or I might go inside and shoot sweet Mary Lou in the head. Do you really want her death on your conscience because you refused to accept my gift?”  
No, no he didn’t.  
Mac reached out and snatched the candy bar from Murdoc’s gloved hand.  
“Cassian thanks you for your help today. Toodles!”   
And just as quick as he came, Murdoc was gone.  
Mac shook his head in bewildered silence. Just what the hell had happened?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day at work, they all filed into the War Room to get an update from Matty on the recent case they had been tracking.

On the table in the middle of the room was a single Mr. Goodbar with a Thank You card attached. Mac froze and everyone gave him a weird look as he continued to stand there and stare at it.  
Jack, being curious, picked the card up and read it aloud. His amused face quickly turned into an upset frown.  
“Thanks for the help yesterday. Love Murdoc. P.S. Be seeing you really soon.”

“Mac, what the hell?” Jack demanded. Everyone was looking at the blonde wondering the same thing.  
“Murdoc had you yesterday and you didn’t say anything?” Jack demanded again.  
Mac murmured something and then lowered his head, not looking at anyone.  
Jack softened. “Hey buddy, it’s okay. You can tell me.”  
“I helped him grocery shop yesterday.” Mac muttered in the same quiet voice.   
Jack reared back, shocked. That had not been what he expected his friend to say. It was evident by the looks on everyone else’s faces that that wasn’t they expected to hear either.  
A flush rose up on Mac’s face at the stares he was receiving.  
“Well, I didn’t help him...per se. He was out shopping for Cassian. He must have saw me go in the store and followed me. He threatened to shoot the cashier if I…?”  
“He didn’t hurt you?” Jack interrupted, his dark eyes roaming over the blonde’s face and chest searching for an invisible injury.  
Mac shook his head. “No...he was actually….um...rather...umm...nice to me.”  
Mac sounded as bewildered as they all felt.  
“Right...let’s bag this candy bar and get it down to the lab. I don’t trust Murdoc not to have laced it with something. And Mac? Tell me everything that happened yesterday.” Matty said.

In an adjacent building, on the top floor, Murdoc watched the interaction through the scope of his sniper rifle with a satisfied smile.  
“Your lucky today Angus.” He watched as Jack hugged Macgyver, concern written all over his face, as well as relief.  
“But someday...you’ll be all mine...”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Author's Note:**

> The End.   
> My first Macgyver fic and this is what I come up with? *smacks forehead*  
> Well, hopefully it wasn’t too terrible...


End file.
